Insider Tips

1) When presenting at the triage window have your care card or a form or picture ID ready and give ONE I repeat ONE complaint. For example; stomach pain, left foot pain, right eye swelling, chest pain. Whatever you do do not say "I feel sick" that is waaay to general. Also, do not launch into a long convoluted story. All we want is your one sentence reason for why you are in the ER, we will get a more detailed story when we get you into the booth, okay?

2) Whining, crying, moaning, yelling, fake fainting, throwing a tantrum will not, I repeat not get you seen any faster by a doctor. It will only serve to annoy the nurses and other ED staff and possibly get you thrown out. People who are in real true pain, are too sick to throw tantrums. Also, if you are speaking to me in full sentences and breathing normally, you are not in having an anaphylactic reaction; so please stop self-diagnosing.

3) Relatives. When deciding you are ill enough to warrant a visit to an Emergency Department please limit the number of family members your bring along to one to two. There is no need for you to haul the whole extended family in and take up the entire waiting room. Similarly, if an accident happens at a wedding,or gathering there is no need for the entire wedding party, all fifty of you to be in the wait room. Pick a few to stick a round, the rest of you go grab a beer. Finally, please keep all children at home, the last thing sick people want is a crying baby sitting next to them; and I'm sure the last thing the crying baby wants is a person who's vomiting sitting next to them.

4) Headaches/Nausea/Vomiting. Ok, now is the time to become adults and be proactive about your health. There are the marvelous places called pharmacies (or chemists) they dispense pretty little pills that can aid with a myriad of ills. So before coming to the ER, try taking a Tylenol or an Advil for your headache, and hanging out in a darkened room. Feeling nauseated? I suggest trying out some Gravol. These are all things we are going to try giving you when you first get here any way. So why don't you see if it works for you at home first. It will save you the trip and save us the time and beds. Also, Benadryl, works wonders for minor allergic reactions, like hives and itchy, etc.

5) Lastly, for the love of Pete, leave home with some form of identification that has your name and birthday on it. I'm not fussy, if can be a ketchup-smeared post-it note shoved it the back corner of your wallet that has never seen the light of day; just something, that so when you come in unconscious we can identify you and find your medical history. Now, ideally, I would say find your medical care card and stick in your wallet along with a little note that has an emergency contact number and any relevant allergies/medications; but that's only if you want to see me dance a little jig.

Bitches be Crazy

Lesson of the day; listen up boys this one is for you:

Be careful of the females you choose to keep company with. They may be holding secret grudges against other ladies and then when they come across them at a park one evening decide to get their brawl on. Then you laddie boy, may get caught in the middle, catch a left hook to the ribs, and get bear sprayed left eye. Let me tell you when you're no Johnny Depp to start with, it is not a pretty picture people are left starting at. You end up looking a tad more Popeye then Captain Jack. Safety first, okay?

Last Thoughts

What were you were you thinking as you heard the police on the other side of the locked door as they tried to reason with you in steady firm voices to put down the knife?

What were you thinking in that split second as they broke the door and you chose slit your throat with such force that you sliced your windpipe in half?

What were you thinking as you began to bleed out on the floor? Did you see the fuzzy images of the paramedics hovering over you?

I heard about you before I saw you. "Traumatic arrest, two minutes out." Suddenly you went rushing by on a gurney dripping with blood.

I brought your paperwork in to the trauma bay. You had been to the hospital before, schizophrenia, you were 28, you had a sister.

I heard the social worker call your sibling, heard her ask if she could please come in as soon as possible, that you had tried to hurt yourself again and it was serious. The second after she hung up I heard that you were dead. I met you then.

I saw you in the trauma bay, they were getting ready to move you to a room, so your sister could say goodbye. The nurses had cleaned off the blood, and bandaged up your wounded neck. You looked quiet, pale and restful with your short dark brown hair and goatee, eyes closed. I guess you weren't really there anymore though, it was just a body.

I did see your sister. I walked by right at the moment the police told her you were dead. I saw the shock on her face and watched her collapse onto the floor with grief.

I also saw the sadness on the faces of my colleagues; the doctors, nurses, policemen. All who had tried to save you, for a life you didn't want to live.